Ten Things I Wish For, But Can’t Have, Achieve, Or Do For Whatever Reason, But Maybe One Day, Just Because.

I WISH I COULD…

10. …PLAY BASS. There’s something about a chick who plays bass. Not guitar, BASS. It’s not just hot, it’s straight up sexy, sex on a real train kind of sexy. I’ve tried to play guitar but all I’ve managed is the first few notes of Stairway To Heaven. I’m like a 12 year old boy, in 1978. But bass players are the coolest. They play peeekaboo from under their fedoras and protect their mysteriousness by not saying anything, ever. They let the instrument talk. Slap that thing, Baby.

9….HAVE LONG LEGS. There’s nothing like a great set of getaway sticks. Unfortunatly I’m 5-8″ with the legs of a chick who is 5-3″. I measured. And there’s nothing I can do about it, short of leg-extension surgery that little people get. Good for them, not so much for me. They call Heidi Klum “The Body”. I guess you could call me “The Shoulders” or something. An ass that won’t quit wouldn’t hurt either.


8. …BE A RING CARD GIRL. So Bitchin’. It’s Round 3!!!! Maybe this doesn’t apply here, but I’m not so sure this is in my future. It’s like being a rodeo clown, but hotter and without the comic relief. They’re eye candy. Everyone is glad to see them. They strut around, with their bikinis and glitter and attitude, purely for aesthetic reasons while two men are taking a break from violently pummeling each other. There are actual contests for the best ones. And you get to hold the championship belt. It might seem like you’re a piece of meat but who cares? (Also: This one relates to #1. You’ll see.)

7. …BUNGEE JUMP. It goes hand in hand by the way with sky diving, hang gliding, anything having to do with heights. TERRIFYING. Now if you’re reading this list I’m guessing you’re thinking “oh, you should do what scares you, that’s how you get over it”. Fuck off. I’d rather be skinned alive by Buffalo Bill in The Silence Of The Lambs. It’s just not natural to be up high. I don’t fly on planes because you what? They’re up high. I’d rather not plummet to my death, thanks.

6. …GO BACK TO 1973 AND SEE PINK FLOYD DO DARK SIDE OF THE MOON LIVE. The iconic album cover alone takes me back to that time when music was so new and mesmorizing to me; I was only 7 when this album came out but it’s the most significant piece of music in my life. I’ve listened to it in every apartment I’ve had, every age I’ve been. I saw Roger Waters at The Hollywood Bowl not long ago do it from beginning to end, but I couldn’t help but wonder what it would have been like to hear it in it’s most pure form, before all the bullshit. There’s a reason this is one of the best selling albums of all time. It’s mysterious, inspired, and fucking beautiful, a concept album meant to be listened to in it’s entirety.

5. …DO DWI PADA SIRSASANA. Two feet behind the head pose. Look at his feet – they’re actually crossed behind his head. I feel like he’s going to get stuck. I’m pretty bendy, but thanks to a back injury not so much anymore. But if I pulled this one off I could probably get work as a human contortionist. Something to strive for?

4. …SPEND 1000 DAYS IN SILENCE IN A BUDDHIST RETREAT CENTER. They call it “The Great Retreat” and it’s actually 3 years, 3 months and 3 days. People leave six-figure incomes to go to the Arizona desert in their quest to attain enlightenment. And it ain’t cheap – $60-$70,000 for a cabin and three years of food. I’m thinking maybe money can buy happiness. I’m dying of curiosity. What would that be like to wake up with the sunset every single morning and not be fumbling for your cell phone? Can they Tweet? This self-imposed exile goes against everything we know: we need other people, communication, community. Or maybe not? I’m just a white chick from West L.A. but this eastern discipline sounds so fucking cool to me.

3. …FIND MY PHOTO I TOOK WITH FARRAH FAWCETT WHEN I WAS 12. It’s gone, Baby, gone. She was a GODDESS. They used to film Charlie’s Angels on my block when I was young, and I had a picture with my idol. Who knows what happened to it. But have you ever lost anything and completely forgotten about it, then you come across it years later in an old jar under the bathroom sink or wherever? I hid a ring once in a rip in my teddy bear and I ended up finding it. This is what I’m hoping. Or my brother could have it. I’m just thinking here, but the fact is, it’ll probably never reappear and my only hope is photoshop.

2. …GO TO LAW SCHOOL, BECOME A PRICY ATTORNEY, AND WIN A HIGH PROFILE CASE. Let’s face it, we were all obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial. Bitch got away with it. Why? Because of a man named Jose Baez. I will say, he’s kind of sexy. He charmed that jury all the way through that trial until they threw up their hands during deliberations and claimed reasonable doubt. Can one man have that much power? Uh, YES. It was like watching Jim Morrison seduce 12 people at once. And these defense attorneys are all like that. And we watch every trial. Scott Peterson, Robert Blake… There’s nothing better than a juicy murder trial and a guy up there pulling strings making shit go his way. It takes ego and guts. I still can’t believe OJ got off. And Robert Kardashian’s daughters are stupidly rich and famous. What a world.


1. …BE A VIDEO VIXEN. Three words: Robert Palmer Girls. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, Google it, and I feel old. HOT. They fake played instruments, and stared into space. I’d love to get paid for that. Then there’s chicks like Bobbi Brown and Tawny Kitaen; they had it good. They dated rock stars and starred in their videos, and were mostly seen writhing around on car hoods, playing with food, or just rockin’ out being HOT. This seems to be mostly an 80’s phenomenon – metal guys blatently objectifying willing women. I’m sure you saw The Decline Of Western Civilization, The Metal Years. Lots of big hair and make up, mostly on the guys. I don’t care. Poison don’t want nothin’ but a good time. Sounds good to me ♥

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Anne Clendening ♥

Anne Clendening is an L.A. chick, born and raised. She is a writer of creative nonfiction and other sordid tales of life, love and other L.A. adventures.

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