Call it lazy, immature, whatever. I was just looking at my unpublished posts, and there are quite a few. Some of them I began already, some are just titles. The titles are my favorite part. I’m never too happy with the endings. There’s a metaphor for life for ya.
Beginnings are sweet. They’re hopeful, like brownie batter before you bake it. I almost like the batter better (unintentional, but good alliteration, thank you). Movies and books are all better in the beginning. So are massages. Do you ever find yourself getting angry toward the end of a massage? The whole thing pretty much becomes a waste because you’re so bummed it’s over.
The start of a relationship is the best feeling in the world. It’s like eternal Spring. But I’m talking about things that are supposed to end, like school. You should see my SMC transcripts. What a mess. It’s full of incompletes, even in guitar class. Whatever, my boyfriend just gave me a guitar for my birthday. I’ll teach myself. But relationships need constant attention and love, which I guess is the fun of it, because if you do it right, it always feels new.
Still, I’m stuck in a rut. I have a career to get on with, and it’s not happening. Starting a new project, like knitting a scarf, is fun. Starting a new job is fucking frightening. Yet, people do it every day. WTF? I swear, sometimes I’d rather sit here and write and starve than go on a job interview. It feels like torture. So does flying. I’m deathly scared of airplanes. It’s not that I think the plane is going to crash, it’s heights I’m afraid of. Sometimes I think if I were a stronger person, I would get over this horrible phobia. But it’s too scary. There’s a good title: “It’s Too Scary: Things I Am Unbelievably Frightened Of.” That would be a very long list, just so you know. That’s probably why I love to write. It’s pretty non-threatening. And I’m low to the ground.
I won’t go into any of that now. I took an online IQ test once and it said I’m at the “genius” level. I’ll remember that when I apply for jobs this week. And when I do the Sunday crossword today, another thing I’ve never finished, but I try every single week. It’s good to set goals, even the small ones. A tiny sense of accomplishment is better than nothing.