Some days you make big decisions. I made one last night. I’ve made this decision in the past, but I’ve never gone through with it. The last time was maybe six months ago.
It’s easier to make little decisions. Yes, if you don’t have milk for the coffee, half and half is fine. I think I’ll wear my Pink Floyd shirt. I’ll go to yoga at 12:15. All of these things really happened today. And in the back of my head, I thought about the big change I need to make, and how bad it’s going to suck, and how it’s going to work out. Fear arrived. And I hesitate now, wishing I was young again, when I had no problems, and I’m picturing myself standing on the little beach three doors down from our summer house, and the tide is coming in. The playful water washes up and tickles my toes. Seagulls fly about. For some reason it feels like summer whenever I think of the island, and it feels warm.
Luckily for me I can actually go there. It’s only an hour away. And I do, quite often, especially when I have big life stuff come up. But that’s for another time, when it’s not 1:30 in the morning on a Monday. Right now I’m wondering how the hell everything’s going to work out. What’s up with getting older? Everything feels scarier. I used to cross the border into Tijuana with a fake I.D. and party like it’s 1999 (which it wasn’t yet). I hitch hiked all over L.A. Barefoot. This is all when I was a teenager. And stupid. I guess you have to be a little stupid to push past any logical amount of caution. Maybe I’m just too smart now.
Today I thought about my decision. I didn’t do anything about it though. But I also went to yoga today, walked my dog, practiced my guitar, helped a friend, and made coffee in bed for my boyfriend. Not a total waste ♥