Ding-Dong Ditch

thank you Sadie, you really hepled me!2 weeks ago i had my first panic attack and had been scared up to this point because i could never relax comfortably but this easy technique you published hepled me relax and calm down mentally and spirituallyits funny because my therapist had been telling me to try this technique and i never took her seriously until watching this video!anyways thanks for helping me and people like me.

What we have here is a spam comment on my blog, which I totally resent and have no understanding of. It’s the post-milennium version of the crank call. Or ding-dong ditch. And it’s not even in proper English. Why the hell would a programmer go to the trouble of creating fucking SPAM? Tell me, computer geeks out there!

Speaking of lame-ass stuff, have you ever wanted to fire off an angry email to a perspective employer on Craigslist? Take a little look at “writing gigs.” Count how many of them don’t pay. It’s shocking.

One of these ads asked for a ton of experience and impeccable skills. For no pay. Bite me.

And… You guessed it. I shot off a snarky email, which I actually found just now (in my sent folder where nothing gets erased) while I was thinking about it. Here it is, word for word:

With respect to your endeavor, it is offensive and ridiculous to expect a writer with your demands to work for free. IT IS A JOB. To remind you of your needs:
• Experienced writer
• Knowledge of various content management systems like drupal
• Avid reader of health & wellness related content
• Sense of marketing skills to create buzz with web postings
• Genuine interest in creating large scale change
Think about it. Writing is a respectable art, talent and way to make a living. I would ask your friends to help you out instead of putting a post on Craigslist, because this is volunteer work, not a job.
First of all, what the hell is drupal? Second, I wonder what they thought when they read this.. Probably nothing. Or maybe it gave them a good laugh. I’m sure the high school intern they ended up with was very professional.
And behold the email I received the other day from my “Beloved Sister.” I thought these were gone for good:
I am Mrs.Margarita Yakov an ageing widow suffering from long time 
illness. i am currently admitted in a privet hospital, I have some 
funds I inherited from my late loving husband Dr.Slavik Yakov , 
the sum of ($18,000,000.00 USD) Eighteen Million United States 
Dollars with a Bank in Sweden Here and I need a very honest and God 
fearing Christian that can use this funds for God's work.and 15% 
out of the total funds will be for your compasation for doing this 
work of God .I found your email address from the internet and decid 
to contact you. Please if you would be able to use these funds for 
the Lord's work kindly reply me with this email: 
(  mrs.margaritay@yahoo.com;
;;
 ) Or (mrs.margaritay@yahoo.com;
; 
; )
Your Beloved Sister
Mrs.Margarita Yakov

Jesus.

To remind you, or educate the youngins’ out there:

Spam (its name a portmanteau of the words “Spiced” and “Ham”)is a canned precooked meat product made by the Hormel Foods Corporation, first introduced in 1937. The labeled ingredients in the classic variety of Spam are chopped pork shoulder meat, with ham meat added, salt, water, modified potato starch as a binder, and sodium nitrite as a preservative. Spam’s gelatinous glaze, or aspic, forms from the cooling of meat stock.[2] The product has become part of many jokes and urban legends about mystery meat, which has made it part of pop culture and folklore.[3] Through a Monty Python sketch, in which Spam is portrayed as ubiquitous and inescapable, its name has come to be given to electronic spam, including spam email.

This is the nonsense that reminded me of the dumb Craigslist people. Spam is gross, I ate it as a kid, and if you’ve ever had it, you don’t want it. Trust me. I’m going to look for a job now.
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Anne Clendening ♥

Anne Clendening is an L.A. chick, born and raised. She is a writer of creative nonfiction and other sordid tales of life, love and other L.A. adventures.

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